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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24421261">Turn your tears to roses</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoFeelingLeft/pseuds/NoFeelingLeft'>NoFeelingLeft</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hunter X Hunter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Affection, Angst, Angst and Drama, Angst and Feels, Angst and Romance, Angst and Tragedy, Arranged Marriage, Assassins &amp; Hitmen, At least Illumi has beautiful hair, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Bloody Kisses, Brotherly Angst, Childhood Memories, Claiming Bites, Comfort/Angst, Dark Past, Declarations Of Love, Drama, Drama &amp; Romance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Family Drama, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, First Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Forehead Kisses, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Heavy Angst, How Do I Tag, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Don't Even Know, I'm Sorry, Illumi doesn't know how to cope with his feelings, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Torture, Jealousy, Killua Zoldyck Loves Chocolate, Killua is too precious for this world, Late Night Conversations, Light Petting, Love Confessions, Male-Female Friendship, Manga &amp; Anime, Marriage Contracts, Marriage of Convenience, Memories, Minor Violence, My First Work in This Fandom, Nen (Hunter X Hunter), Nightmares, Non-Graphic Violence, Obsession, Obsessive Behavior, Past Character Death, Past Violence, Please Don't Hate Me, Possessive Behavior, Protective Killua Zoldyck, Reader is an artist, Reader-Insert, Romance, Rough Kissing, Sad, Sleeping Together, Suffering, The Author Regrets Everything, Threats of Violence, Tragedy/Comedy, Training, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Violence, Weddings, What Have I Done, Why Did I Write This?, Yandere, hisoka does your make-up, hisoka plays uno, illumi beauty routine revealed, in my mind it seemed better, why i wrote this omg</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:47:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,094</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24421261</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoFeelingLeft/pseuds/NoFeelingLeft</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Illumi was the strangest person you had ever meet in your life as an heir of a famous assassin family, yet this didn’t prevent you from falling for him and his scrutinizing yet beautiful eyes,  not even when the odds wanted you two separated. </p><p>(Please note that this work is spoiler free - Yandere Illumi/Reader)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Illumi Zoldyck/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>77</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Turn your tears to roses</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>What a wild ride! This was an idea I had in my mind for some weeks and so I decided to give it a shot. I really hope I did some justice to the characters so I really hope I didn't make them too OOC. Illumi is such an interesting character to explore for me, he piqued my interest since the first time  I saw him and I can positively say that I'm totally in love with him! Also he fits very well with the yandere mood, he will def show some traits of a very possessive behaviour on this fic. I think this work will have other 2/3 chapters, I really want to see where inspiration will take me with this concept. I never wrote for any HXH characters but after reading so many amazing fics I decided to give it a go and publish my own work. I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it! Also, please note that i'm open to any sort of criticism, feedback is always more than appreciated and please excuse me in advance for any spelling mistakes, English is not my first language so some words or verbs may be incorrect!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Till her 21th birthday my daughter will be under your teachings, Silva. One day I will pass to my daughter the title of head of the family and she must be ready”</p><p>You had listened to your father muttering these exact words through his phone during a placid summer evening of many years ago. At that time you didn’t understand what he meant while he was saying “teachings” or “head of the family”.</p><p>Those bureaucratic terms which always were on the lips of your father didn’t interest you, they never did and while he kept talking with this mysterious man on his phone, you couldn’t help but wait with baited breath for his call to finally end and have your father’s undivided attention. Being a only child had it perks, especially when you didn’t have to share your adored father with any other siblings. You were just a child, bubbly and so lively, with big eyes just like your mother and a great promising future as the heir of the famous (L/N) family, an affiliate of the even more famous Zoldyck family. You knew nothing of the <em>secret works</em> (as he would say) your father would perform, you knew nothing of killings, targets and assassinations. Your father had tried to preserve your childhood from the harsh training and reality you would have to endure in your future years, mainly because he adored you with his whole heart, yet he knew that the time would come for you to take your righful place as his heir.</p><p>You had no siblings nor cousins since your mother almost lost her life after the pregnancy: her health had always been so feeble, but she had desired a child for so long that, in the end, she was determined to keep you, even when the doctors said that being pregnant could have costed her life. She didn’t listen and even with some difficulties, you were born. Your father didn’t want to risk another time and so they decided to raise you alone, with the utmost care, always trying to protect you from the ugly world they would leave you in once they would pass away. He knew that everything could happen so he had taken some precautions.</p><p>In the first place, after months and months of hard work, he was successful in obtaining an agreement with the Zoldyck family, where he swore to be forever at their service as a mere affiliate, in exchange of the security that if anything happened to your family, the Zoldycks would keep you protected and trained till the time you would become a rightful adult. The Zoldycks’ own gain out of this agreement was far greater in comparison to what your father had achieved because he meant having him, a skilled assassin and the rest of his family, assassins them too, to obey only to the Zoldyck's orders, which meant more people for missions and no other competition. Such a little gain for him, but your father was happy with his choice, because you would be the one to keep up the family name and he knew that you would live up to his expectations.</p><p>He couldn’t see you accustumed to violence just yet, so he refrained to push you already into training. In the other hand, you were quite a bright child and there was something that you always enjoyed doing and that would make you feel so proud of yourself: drawing. You created such dashing portraits and flawless art pieces already at such a tender age. Your father was quite sure that if you weren’t born to be an assassin, you sure would have become a great artist. Your little feets padded to his to his desk, intop of which he had just layed his phone. You presented what you were clutching so hard in your little hands: a drawing of him and your mother together. With a big and hopeful smile you waited for him to notice your work and when he gazed at you and at what you have just put on the cold surface of his desk, he couldn’t help but smile his big smile you adored to see.</p><p>“My darling, sneaky as always” He commented, amused, because he had always been startled by your ability to sneak up on him without being noticed. This was, indeed, a trait you’ve taken from him.</p><p>“And what did you bring me today?” he asked, meeting your bright eyes “It is me and mom, how beautiful! You’re so talented, my darling” He commented, clapping his hands while you bowed to him as you always were used to do when he complimented your art skills.</p><p>“Care to display this artwork on our little museum?” He asked you, motioning for the wall where he had attached all of the beautiful drawings you were used to take to him to know what he thought about your art, though he was never a strict judge. If anything, he adored every piece you so proudly showed to him, as if he was a critic of art and not an hired killer.</p><p>“You always make me so proud” he had said after you had attached your little artwork to the wall “And I want you to remember this, (Y/N), me and mother love you dearly and we look out for you, always. Don’t ever forget this, not even when fate will try to make you believe the exact opposite”</p><p>Other words you couldn’t comprehend at such young age but that became clearer later on, when your family was found dead and you automatically became a part of the Zoldyck family, put under their care, their strict rules and their treaning that would shape you to become who you were always meant to be: an assassin. The words your father had asserted that evening kept coming to your mind through the years and only when you started mastering a good amount of techniques to kill, you started to understand fully what he intended.</p><p>No more daydreams, that was for sure, yet your love for art didn’t die and it was one of the few pastimes you were allowed to have. Being in the Zoldyck family but not being one of them, meant that you were no different from anybody else to them, even if they always respected you as the last member of the (L/N) family. Miss Kikyo, as you had been taught to call her, in particular, held a certain sympathy towards you but seeing her treat Killua in such a doting way, always remembered you of your own mother so your always had to cut time short with her. After all you were there to train, not to play mother and daughter. Not that you would have time for it anyway: most of your day was spent training and mastering your Nen so there wasn’t much time for social interation, even because the person you passed most time with wasn’t really akin to what you would call a sociable person.</p><p>He was quite the opposite, frankly, but you couldn’t help but gravitate towards him and if a moth drawn to a flame. Illumi. His name often rolled of your tongue with the sweetest sound when you called to him because in him you found the comfort you often sought from the life fate had reserved to you. You foud his silence to be soothing and while other people, like Killua, found his presence to be intimidating, you weren’t fazed from his emotionless behaviour or his hollow eyes: if anything, you loved them, because they made Illumi who Illumi was. Still, he yielded an iron fist with your treaning since the first day Silva had assigned him this task. Illumi wasn’t one to let down his father’s expectations nor was one to go down easily on his opponent so he didn’t let you go till your bones ached and you were totally destroyed mentally and physically.</p><p>He was always like this, he pretended discipline and rigour every single day from you. No buts and no ifs with him, he was strict but in the end, the more you trained with him the more faster your movements became and  the more of his needles he threw at you, the more you could dodge. You had grown up with him and you still remember ed when he used to wore his hair so short and yet now he had long shiny hair that cascated over his frigid skin, so tentalizing for you to touch yet you would never dare to do so in this moment. You always longed to feel your skin against his, at any given moment of the day.</p><p>And then you knew that if you would have looked in his eyes, then you would be lost again because such eyes has conquered your heart from the first moment you met him. His eyes, deep pools of coal, so fascinating yet so misterious…</p><p>“You’re zooning out. Again” You were brought back from your daydream from the stern yet soft voice of your teacher, that was pointing a needle at your neck.</p><p>“If I was your enemy, you would be already dead” He concluded, rectracting his needle.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Illumi. I don’t know why this keeps happening” You bowed a little your head to him, his gaze following your movement.</p><p>“Your opponents won’t apologize when they will finish you off. Pay attention”</p><p>“Yes, Illumi” You would say and again, a swift of the movement of his black hair and you were dazed again thinking about how soft his hair would feel if he would allow you to brush your hand in it.</p><p>“Dead again” You heard him comment again and for the third time that day, you were met face to face with one of his needles, pointing exactly in between your eyes. When had he pointed that needle at you? You hadn’t see him coming. Again, you coudn’t have since your thoghts about him kept you distracted from focusing solely on practice. You let go of the breath you were holding, closing your eyes and pointing them to the unquestioning gaze of your teacher.</p><p>“I’m deeply sorry, Illumi. I know I’m wasting your time. Punish me if you must” you blurted out, surrending yourself to the fact that nothing good would have came up from that training if not sterile fantasies about the Zoldyck right in front of you.</p><p>“No. It’s almost dinner time and mother wants both of us to be present” he retorted, implying that your carellssness wouldn’t have repercussions for that day.</p><p>“You have been training since the early hours of the morning, after all. You would deserve to train another hour but this dinner requires both my presence and yours” which was only another way to tell you: “Come already, it’s late”.</p><p>Illumi wasn’t one to spare glances and so up he went, staying silent for all the trip towards his room to get ready for the imminent dinner.</p><p>“Later” He just said, opening the door and disappearing in his bedroom. As expected of him.</p><p>“Later…” you answered, entering in the room opposite as his, which was yours. It wasn’t very big, but it was comfortable enough for you, storing just the essential things a room should have. Of course, it wasn’t like the beautiful room you used to have in your family’s manor but this had to do. You had even a little space to place your few art supplies and for the little easel Miss Kikyo had gifted you when you killed your first target as a way to celebrate. When finally the time came for you to join the family for the dinner, you sat on your assigned place near Illumi. Everybody was silent, as if they knew something would happen sooner or later. You kept your head down to your plate waiting for a sign to start eating because it was usually Silva who started and everybody followed suit. Yet, Silva was staring straight at you, sporting the same unyelding gaze you loved to see in his elder son's eyes.</p><p>“(Y/N)” came his voice like thunder, solemn and distinguished. You could’t help but lift your eyes towards where he was sitting, never meeting directly  his strong eyes that always seemed too menacing for you. You didn’t dare to speak and you waited for him to continue. He knew he had your attention so he kept on talking.</p><p>“In a week you will be 21 years old” he said looking straight at you, staring in your very soul. Every member of the family now kept their gaze locked on you and you felt so tiny under the gaze of so many Zoldycks pointed at you.</p><p>“I respected the terms of the deal I contracted with your father years ago. Since he passed away you have been a host in my house, a part of my family and a student under Illumi. You had to be trained and you have been” He stated and through his voice you could imagine where this conversation will led up to. Your birthday. Your freedom. Which meant going out into the world and… never seeing Illumi as you were used to. Deep in your heart you wanted to break free from this oppriment confinement but at the same time you didn’t. You couldn’t. Not with your heart so deeply embed with Illumi’s eyes. You had fallen for him so long ago and yet couldn’t bring yourself to even think about your life without him in it.</p><p>“There is something your father included in the agreement that you still don’t know”</p><p>Silva’s words echoed in your ears. What? What didn’t you know already? You knew every detail of their agreement, how was it possible for you not to be aware of a part of the deal that held your fate in its hands?</p><p>“You must marry. And it is already decided who your spouse will be”</p><p>In that moment, you hoped with all your heart Silva would pronounce his name: Illumi. You wanted only his name to came out from his mouth. You hoped with all your heart. You disliked the idea of this wedding already planned, without even considering what you had to say or your feelings about it but if it was with Illumi, maybe it would be somehow bearable.</p><p>After all it would make sense, right? You were the heir of a famous family with a centennial tradition in the assassination field, your last name still held credit through people that were willing to pay to kill somebody they didn’t want around. In the bank there was a little sum of money your father had left for you to take and use when you would have become an adult. It wasn’t much but it was better than anything! And you were a skilled assassin that Illumi had trained personally! You had lived all your life with Illumi, you deeply trusted him. Yes, Silva would take account of these elements. Maybe fate would be kind to you after years of pain and finally give you something to try to make amends for what it did to you. You hoped and hoped, yet it was not Illumi’s name to came out from Silva’s dry lips.</p><p>He said another name, a name you couldn’t bother to remember because it was not who you hoped it will be.</p><p>“He’s a rich heir from Meteor City and he will provide to your every need, I made sure of that. “ You listened to him but it was as if every word he added just tore you apart more and more.</p><p>In seeing your distraught expression he was quick to add:</p><p>“It can’t be undone. It’s part of the deal. Your very father chose your betrothed before your birth. I am a man of my word so it is in my interest to make sure you obey to his last will“ And this was his last word on the matter, before he diverted his eyes to Illumi, who had stopped looking at you long before he even said you would be married off to some snotty man of the city.</p><p>You had stood up, paralized to even move another muscle. Why was this happening to you? Why?</p><p>
  <em>“Me and mother love you dearly and we look out for you, always”</em>
</p><p>Again, your father’s words rang into your mind.</p><p>“How is this looking out for me…?” You couldn’t help but think “Married to somebody I don’t even know as if I’m nothing more than a stack of money waiting to be delivered to their new owner” You were devasted. </p><p>Then you made the fatal mistake to turn slowly your head towards Illumi’s direction, in seach o f any type of reaction, a slight hint of an emotion, anything. But nothing you found in his eyes, he was staring straight ahed of him, not even sparing you a glance. Not even saying a word that could help you in that situation, even if it was futile to even try and oppose Silva's will. His silence, always so soothing and relaxing, broke you for the first time.</p><p>He was the one that was with you every day and not even a word coming from him. He was the one that you gave your first kiss and your body to, yet not even a mere glance from him. He ignored you, without an utter care in the world. You two never had to spoke about your feelings because it was as if you two didn’t need to. Things just naturally happened just like it happened that you fell in love with him, yet you weren’t sure about him anymore. After all he didn’t feel anything, no happiness, no pain, no remorse, no sadness. Nothing. Just like the nothing he was giving you in front of the prospect of having you married to somebody else who wasn’t him. It broke you in pieces.</p><p>However only Killua and Kalluto semeed to sense your uneasiness and while Kykyo went on rambling about how beautiful you would be dressed in your wedding dress, you only felt a deafening silence, broken only from the incessant tumbling of your heart. You wanted to scream to to this whole family that you didn’t care and to go to hell with their stupid deals that pictured you as a mere object than a living being, to stop dismissing your feelings as if you were a lifeless doll but most of all you wanted Illumi to say something, anything. But nothing came. If not a faint whisper of your name, but not from the eldest Zoldyck.</p><p>“(Y/N)…” You felt an hand, just as big as yours being placed on top of yours and then, you saw a mop of fluffy white hair and a pair of concerned blue horbs.</p><p>“Kill…” you muttered in return, with glossy eyes ready to burst. Killua was the only one to even aknowldge your feelings in that moment, yet it felt as if the world had started rotating again after that little gesture of kindness.</p><p>“Let’s go away from here” He simply took your hand and lead you away from the scene, corcern written all lover his face. Silva just let you and his son go because he knew that this would happen. Only a last glance was spared by you to Illumi, before turning your head and just stepping out of the scene, because you knew that anything you did or tried to say, Silva would not hear. He had promised your father that you would be married to that Meteor City scion and he didn’t want to break his word. After your departure, Illumi’s bloodlust was hard to keep at bay. Everybody could sense in the room, despite him trying to control it.</p><p>“You know it’s for the best, son” Silva said, watching with a stern gaze towards his eldest.</p><p>“She belongs to me yet you allow her to be sent away” his son seethed, black eyes poiting at his father</p><p>“You agreed when I said I wanted to marry her. Why did you do this, father?”</p><p>“It was a hidden clause her father added in his last will. And you know that his testament just got discovered recently since he hid it well. If the situation was different, you would have my blessing but as things stay today, she is to be married to that man. This is my last word on the matter”</p><p>Illumi stared at his father and then stood up as you did before him and without uttering a word, he marched straight into his room to try to calm himself. Yet, when passing by his desk, he couldn’t help but lay his eyes into one of the beautiful portaits you had gifted him. It was an exact replica of him, but drawn by you. He could recognize your style because you always put emphasis in his eyes. And when he had asked you why you represented his eyes like that, you had simply said:</p><p>“They are the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen” Which had taken him aback when he heard you mutter those words, just as he was startled when he had read the little dedication you had engraved in the portrait he was gazing at.</p><p>“To my Illumi, my assassin in shining armor” you had wrote to him and he recalled the day you brought that said drawing to him as a thankful gift for saving you from an attack of Mike, the Zoldyck guard dog, that had mistaken for an intruder. Yes, sometimes you were too clumsy to even be considered an assassin yet he couldn’t bring himself to not like this side of your personality. He liked everything about you, your art, your clumsiness, your zooning outs, just as you liked his eyes and his mannerism, because that made you who you were. The thought of losing you to someone else annoyed him more than anything, yet he hadn’t the means to stop you from going to encunter your tragic fate.</p><p>Yes, he would be <em>oh</em> so glad to get rid f that nuisance of a man that ought to take his pace as your husband, but he knew that his father and everybody in their inner circles would know that he would be the one behind the killing, since you and him were always together. He couldn’t betray his father like that, but the thought of sharing you, the first person to love every side of him without being scared of him and the first person to make him feel something slightly different than the emptiness he was used to feel, made him furious. You were his. His only. And he would raise hell to assert to the world who you righfully belonged to. </p><p>In the meantime Killua had taken you for a stroll in the manor, to try to lighten up the mood. If you pointed out to him how caring he was being he would probably mutter something along the lines of: “As if I’m worried for you, baka!”</p><p>Which in fact he said when you thanked him for worring about you. Hell, he even offered you some chocolate. He really wanted to try and lift your spirits up, even for a little bit.</p><p>“Brother isn’t going to let you go just that easily, you know” he said to you, seriousness in his tone “I’m sure he will do something to help you out… he likes you”</p><p>He concluded, putting his arms on his head and walking ahead of you, yet waiting for you to catch up to him.</p><p>“If your brother was as considerate as you, then I would be sooo happy!” You teased him, even if your tone of voice was far from showing happiness. Killua stiffened and looked at you offended, before muttering another string of “Baka” as you were used to see him do when he was embarassed. You were happy to have Killua by your side and even if he was just a kid, you wished his elder brother would be as considerate as him. Only one fact remained assured: your fate would be sealed with a wedding you didn’t ask for with a person you didn’t want. And you couldn’h help but wonder yet again: “Why? Why me?”</p><p>“M<em>e and mother love you dearly and we look out for you, always</em>” Those words ringed again in your mind, echoing through your wandering thoughts.</p><p>“Yes..." You thought, catching up to Killua</p><p>"<em>As if</em>”</p>
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